As caregivers, I think an important quality you can have is flexibility -- flexibility to adapt to ever changing situations with your loved one. If there is one certainty about dementia, it’s that there is no certainty. Every day, every experience is different. Flexibility is the key to handling this uncertainty.

One challenge to flexibility is how you think, and the words you use to describe your caregiving situation. If you are mired down in negative thinking and using negative words, your ability to be flexible will be impaired, and your effectiveness as a caregiver will be diminished. Negative words are a formula for failure, and also will result in your feeling “bad” about your caregiving situation. So, what are some of these negative words?

1. “Should” – every time you think you should be doing something better or that you should have known the outcome would be different, you are locking yourself into a pattern of thinking that is focusing on the past, on your regrets, and on your flawed opinion that you can control everything during this disease process. Staying stuck in the past, in regrets, and with a control mindset may create feelings of guilt for you. How flexible can you be if you feel guilty?

2. “Awfulizing” – every time you characterize a situation as “awful” you lock yourself into a place of self-pity and powerlessness. It feels bad! Using language that is emotionally charged to describe a situation will not serve your best interests. How flexible can you be if you are feeling self-pity?

3. “Either/Or” – every time you issue an ultimatum to your loved one, you are really issuing the ultimatum to yourself. Remember, you are the only one who can change in the relationship with your loved one. What if your loved one cannot meet your ultimatum? Where does this leave you? Powerless and anxious, frozen in place by the futility of the situation. How flexible can you be if you are feeling anxious?

As an alternative to these thoughts and words, I challenge you to focus on describing your situations in more positive terms. Having realistic expectations of the dementia process is a great beginning place – do you understand your loved one’s disease progression? His current functional status? Can you make a list of your successes as a caregiver? Can you recognize when things “go right” and congratulate yourself? Can you become comfortable with the uncertainty of this disease?

If yes, then you can stay flexible and effective in your caregiving and celebrate your contribution to your loved one’s life!