Choosing to embrace my mother’s dementia was perhaps the most difficult and meaningful decision of my life so far. It would have been so easy to turn away, to run away. Yet, somehow, I made the decision to stay and look dementia right in the eye; and, in doing so, to look myself right in the eye, too.

          Alzheimer’s is a unique disease. It strips away your loved one’s ability to think, brain cell by brain cell.  Along the way, it can also strip away elements of your loved one’s personality. This is what happened with my mother. Alzheimer’s erased many of the negative elements of her personality—the hard-wiring that had previously blocked our ability to connect. With dementia, my mother was no longer the cold, distant, critical parent of my youth; she had become more loving and expressive.  She had changed. And now, if I wanted to, I could change, too.  

          Looking back, it was as if Alzheimer’s gave my mother permission, along with a new set of skills, to be a different person in how she related to the people around her.  As dementia changed my mother’s hard-wiring, it offered us a way out of our old patterns of relating and the behaviors that kept us boxed up and separated for so many years.  My mother and I unexpectedly came together on this common ground called dementia and it made all the difference, in both of our lives.  This transformation would not have been possible if I had chosen to look away.  

          To me, embracing your loved one’s illness does not mean that you “welcome” it with open arms into your life – rather, it means that you accept the reality of the situation and that you stop struggling against it, measuring its presence less in terms of loss and more in terms of the simple gifts you can find along the way if you keep your eyes open and focused. How can you embrace your loved one’s dementia? 

1.         Stay present in the moment with your loved one.  Otherwise, the two of you will be in different places most of the time, unable to connect with each other. 

2.         Recognize that you are the only person in this relationship who can change.  Choose to play along with the absurdities of this disease instead of relating to your loved one as if nothing has changed, or as if they should know better. Trust me, it’s the difference between peace and pain. 

3.         Learn to expect the unexpected. Every day is a new day and a new experience. Let go of the need to control every situation.  Learn as much as you can about this disease so that you can be as prepared as possible for what is to come. Above all else, be gentle with yourself.

             Alzheimer’s was a positive catalyst for change in my life precisely because I chose to embrace my mother’s dementia, to become actively involved in her changing life, and to relate to her from the present moment, not the past hurt.  You can have a similar experience – choose to stay and not look away.