It’s that time of year again when we lose ourselves in the rush of the holidays, trying desperately to keep up with the images that bombard us from the media: the perfect family enjoying the perfect meal after ravishing the perfect gifts. Everything perfect. Where does Alzheimer’s fit into this picture? Is there any perfection in Alzheimer’s? How can caregivers live this dream of perfection? 

            The simple answer is that you can’t, really. The more complicated answer is that you can, really!

             Alzheimer’s shifts only the landscape for your loved one. I believe everything else – in particular, love and thanks-giving – stay intact. They are just harder to recognize in your loved one as they are harder for your loved one to express to you. The landscape has shifted. Nothing is familiar anymore. And still, your hearts can connect.

             There you sit, across from this truth. What can you do to find the love? To find the thanks-giving? Well, I think you need to begin with loving and thanking yourself. Deeply, completely. As your heart expands, how can your loved one’s heart fail to find you?  To recognize you?

             As my mother’s disease progressed, we found this love and thanks-giving connection. It showed in her eyes, in her smile, in her jumbled words, in the way she wrapped her arms around me, and on a good day, told me I was a “good girl.” It showed in my eyes, in my smile, in my coherent words, and in the way I wrapped my arms back around her and told her I loved her. When she was too sick to speak, and basically restrained in a chair with her head hanging forward, or curled up on her bed in the classic fetal position, it still showed in her eyes and, on a good day, in her smile. I could see it clearly. The connection had been made, months before, and Alzheimer’s could not take it away from us. Ever. Never. Forever.  

          Perfection.