How many times over the years have I heard clients, colleagues, friends, and relatives, say essentially, “Why bother?” when it comes to connecting with their loved one?  

“She doesn’t know who I am anymore.”

“He won’t remember what I said anyway.”

“It seems like a waste of time to take mom to visit dad’s grave.”   

In other words, I think caregivers sometimes relate to their loved one as if they aren’t truly there.  I think this is a huge mistake. 

I have related to you often enough how many times my own mother, despite her dementia, shocked and surprised me with her coherent, real time, communication. How she hit the nail on the head with her observations about life, love, our relationship. I think we connected so well because she trusted that I respected her, heard her, and believed her truth. I never dismissed her. Not once.  

To think that a person with dementia ceases to be a person is perhaps convenient; however, such an old-fashioned mind set will surely damage the relationship you have with your loved one.  You will likely miss their pearls of communication, the intimate sharing, and the opportunity to learn something new about your loved one along your journey. 

A friend of mine related the following story which illustrates my point. Her father in law had dementia and lived in a care facility. One of his prize possessions was an old Bellodgia perfume bottle that had belonged to his deceased wife. One day, while my friend was visiting him, he confided in her that it was his wife’s favorite perfume and “every once in a while, I put some in my hand so I can remember how she smelled.”  

Now, I ask you, is this the thought of a non-person?  Of a person who does not remember or who cannot recognize what or who is important in his life? It is a waste of her time to revisit that bottle of perfume over and over again? 

Everything about caregiving is a choice – you have a choice in how you meet every experience with your loved one.  I challenge you to open the perfume bottle over and over again. Help your loved one stay connected, and in so doing you also will stay connected.  Once again, my friend illustrates my point. Her father in law died this last Monday.  She said to me “Now, he doesn’t need the bottle, but we do.” What a powerful connection was made between them, all because of a bottle of perfume!  

You, too, have the power to look at your relationship with your loved one and to find the bottle of perfume that connects you. You won’t regret the search!