When I first started visiting my mother on Tuesday mornings, I had my own agenda – a list of things that needed to be done around the house. Dusting, cleaning, sweeping, folding clothes. When I was doing these things I was completely ignoring what was going on for my mother. She would become agitated and angry, she would pace and mutter under her breath … and I would merrily go about my duties. It took a long time for me to imagine that if I just put the broom down, my mother and I could have a lot of fun together.

Sometimes, I think we as caregivers view our role as all about duty and that somehow, having fun with our loved one is prohibited. Well, I am here to tell you that the best times my mother and I spent together were when we played – read a favorite book, looked at magazines, walked the neighborhood, frosted cupcakes – on and on it goes. We did these activities up to the very end of her life!

Just like with children, learning to navigate their worlds through play, people with dementia have a range of capability that begs to be nurtured by the caregiver. Discovering what makes your loved one happy is part of the process of accompanying them on their journey. Reconnecting them with childhood favorites or working with what you know they loved as an adult – for my mom, dogs and classical music – is a powerful way to connect with your loved one, to re-imprint yourself and your love into their psyche. I saw this with my mother. At the beginning she was passive about playing, but at the end, it was she who initiated the game of the day. It was so powerful when we laughed together, or when we both found the splash of red in the picture at the same time, or when we cried together as we read her favorite story.

Your local chapter of the Alzheimer’s Association will have a list of activities to help you structure your play time with your loved one. Contact them at www.alz.org. Circle the ones you know your loved one enjoyed and add some of your own thoughts to the page. Then, pick one. Dive in. Let go of your sense of duty and be prepared to play.

When I look back on my time with my mother, you might notice that I do not catalog all of the clean surfaces, folded clothes, and spotless countertops. No, I catalog the smiles, the laughter, the peaceful naps, the purposeful walks, the sunshine, the chocolate frosting all over our faces, and the sparkle in her eyes. In other words, our play time.