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July 2006
I just passed the two-year anniversary of my mother’s death. July 17th. I had been dreading it, but actually it went OK, much better than last year. Last year it felt like I was reliving the whole experience, from her initial fall in April, through her death in July. Each day I felt more and more sad, and heavy, like I was pulling a two-ton block of concrete around with me everywhere. My own little private lent. This year, by comparison, I felt the sadness but not the heaviness, and, more importantly, I realized that my current cycle of grief was much like the one I experienced while my mother was still alive. It felt familiar. When my mother was first diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease, it felt like I was walking through quicksand, making slow and steady progress the only pace possible. However, as the reality of the diagnosis began to settle in, an odd mix of grief and relief washed over me. After having lived in limbo for so long, not knowing what was wrong with her, the diagnosis gave me clarity, and with that clarity, a path into the future with my mother. Experts tell us there are specific stages of grief, including denial, turmoil, anger/fear, depression, anticipation and acceptance. I experienced many of these stages during my mother’s illness. And the glory of it all is that somewhere along the way, I found acceptance: Of her, of our relationship, and of this disease that was erasing her right before my eyes. What a gift! Inevitably, you, too, will experience little deaths along the path of Alzheimer’s as treasured characteristics of your loved one evaporate right in front of you. How can you survive and thrive with this inevitability?
(1) Try to look for the gift behind the loss. Remember what your loved one was like before the disease. Mine your memories and celebrate this person here and now. Weave your memories into the loss, to soften the blow. (2) Welcome all of your emotions, good and bad. There is no such thing as a bad emotion. Embrace your grief – emotions often tell us what we need to know, but cannot recognize with our intelligence or our senses. (3) Pace yourself. Remember that the journey of Alzheimer’s can take years. Don’t give yourself up to the concrete of grief too early – you may have a long road ahead and you need to remain flexible! Time really does heal the pain after the death of a loved one. So too, the passing of time while your loved one is still alive may hold many opportunities for healing, personal growth, and joy. Stay awake to these possibilities! Choose the relationship you want to have with grief. |