As my mother’s Alzheimer’s progressed, and her communication skills deteriorated, it was easy to get into the habit of dismissing what she said as nonsense. In the beginning, I was guilty of doing this. Worse yet, I remember interrupting her, walking away, or trying to redirect her. As I have shared previously in these newsletters, my journey of personal growth through Alzheimer’s was slow and steady.

At some point, how I related to my mother changed. I came to a place where it was safe to quiet my mind and nurture my inner voice so that I could be more present to my mother’s communication. As I unloaded my own emotional issues around her, my heart opened up and I began to hear the hidden meanings she was conveying to me.

For example, I learned from my mother how three simple words could smooth over a difficult situation between us, and put us back on our path to peace.

“I love you.”

My mother would say those words not just to convey affection, but also at moments when I was experiencing a bout of built-up anxiety, frustration or anger in a particular situation.

“I love you.”

Those words became a mantra for my mother. Perhaps they were her way of explaining her inability to control her behavior or to follow my instructions or to say she was sorry.

Watching her do this, and realizing what a calming effect it had on me, I began to use this same technique with her. And it worked. When she was being particularly difficult, “I love you.” When she no longer recognized me and could no longer speak, “I love you.”

These three simple words acted like a brick wedging open the rational door of my mother’s brain, making reasoning with her, connecting with her, possible for just a single moment. These three simple words filled me with hope and strength to keep moving forward. These three simple words were sometimes all it took to calm down the situation for both of us, to help me stay in the moment with her, and to remind me to look for the joy in our time together.

How can you be more present to your loved one’s communication?

(1) Listen to your own inner voice. This is your guide on this journey. Is it supportive or critical? Loving or judgmental? Embrace both your healthy and unhealthy feelings, knowing that each has some truth to tell you about your thinking. Ask yourself: What are you feeling as you travel this path with your loved one? Are your bad feelings blocking your ability to hear your loved one?

(2) Pay attention! Paying attention to my mother as if she was a prophet enabled me to capture rare and unpredictable insights from her behavior and her words, like the example above. Are you missing the efforts of your loved one to reconnect with you because you are distracted? Are you stuck in the past of your relationship?

(3) Listen with more than just your ears. Listen with your eyes, your heart, your intuition and sense of humor, your soul, and your ears. Look, feel, sense, hear. Sometimes, it takes all of these abilities to fully capture your loved one’s meaning and intent.

And then, with your calm presence, you can mirror back to your loved one that it is safe for her to share her journey with you. What a lasting gift this sharing can be. It still is for me.