Memories of a deceased loved-one can be a powerful way we process our grief and loss. They pop up unexpectedly, and can bring both joy and sorrow. Particularly with Alzheimer’s, often referred to as the “long goodbye,” memories can be overwhelmingly negative. But, do they have to be?

Just as you can choose the thoughts you think about Alzheimer’s, so too, can you choose the memories of your loved one which you hold close in your heart. You hold the power within you to reprogram negative memories into positive memories. Let me show you an example.

My father and I were driving home, across town, about a week ago. Out of the blue he says to no one in particular, “The only memory I have of your mother is of her lying in that casket.” [My father rarely speaks of his grief in such graphic terms, and I was shocked and grateful for the opportunity to help him see mom differently.]

I shared with him how my memory of my mother was quite the opposite – full of life, joy and love. It is the memory of how she used to greet me at the front door when I came to visit on Tuesday mornings. She’s stand behind the front window waving her arms with joy, and she’d greet me with a huge hug and tell me what a good girl I was – I had waited 45 years for this welcome home!

This is the memory I choose to hold close in my heart. Not the memories of her sitting, restrained in a wheelchair, unable to hold up her head, not the memories of her shrinking frame, her inability to show she recognized me at the end, or her lying in her coffin. No, I choose to feel her hug, see her smiles, hear her words, and it’s as simple as:

(1) Changing the negative memory when it arises by replacing it with your favorite memory of your loved one. When I asked my father what his favorite memory was, he said it was of mom washing her teeth, having removed her front-teeth bridge for cleaning; he would say, “Smile, Patty” and she would grimace and blush.

(2) Write an affirmation card and post it where you will see it: My favorite memory of mom is ________________; or I see mom doing ______________ and I laugh. Use this card when the negative memory arises – over and over. Soon, the old memory will have been replaced by the new one. What memory of your loved one makes you smile?

(3) Let go of the guilt that may accompany letting go of the negative memories, the suffering, the loss. You can honor your loved one’s memory just as easily and honestly by celebrating the joy of their life, too. There is no reason to hold onto grief and loss – how do these emotions make you feel? Compare how you feel when you remember the joy of our loved one.

Remember, memories are part of your thinking process; you control your thinking, so you can control your memories, too. Is there a hug, a smile, a bit of dialogue that you hold dear? If yes, hang onto this for dear life, and for living on now that you loved one is gone.