I was meeting with my client and his daughter in a hotel lobby. We were sitting on one of those large round plush seating cushions, my client on one side of me, his daughter on the other, so that they could not see each other. As I finished the consultation, I asked my 84-year old client how his wife was doing. Simultaneously, I heard:

Client:        Good
Daughter:    Bad. She fell two times yesterday.

What is going on with her?

Client:    She just got out of bed wrong; she now knows that she must put her feet down first.
Daughter:    She is falling more often now. I’m worried.

Do you need any help?

Client:        No.
Daughter:    Yes.

What is going to happen when your daughter moves into her new house?

Client:        It will be better.
Daughter:    It will be worse.

          How could this be?  How could two people living in the same house with mom have completely different views of the situation? It’s easy.

          From my experience with my own father, I suspect that my client had his own agenda for maintaining his rose-colored view of the situation. Like my father, he made a vow to his wife to care for her until death and that meant keeping her at home. Like my father, this bond of 50-plus years was a strong one that could not be underestimated. To get help was to admit defeat, to let go, to see his wife as she was now: Frail, demented, sick. He could not do this. He could not see her—the love of his life—any way but the way he saw her on their wedding day. That’s what keeps him going.

          However well intentioned my client is, I, like his daughter, saw the situation differently, more objectively. What a child can see more clearly than a spouse is that mom might get better care with some outside help—home health care or care in a facility—and dad might be able to replenish his strength, patience and love, with that help. What a child sees clearly is that if dad gets sick, too, then all is truly lost.

          Sometimes, as the child, you must act like the parent and take control. This is not always an easy task. It is unfamiliar to most of us and there is no one route to success. The key is balance: To respect your parents’ relationship and be supportive of both parents while also remaining objective and ever ready to take action in an emergency.