Recently, a friend and I spent the day investigating estate sales. We mapped out our travel plans as if preparing for war, starting out only after we stuffed ourselves with coffee and donuts, and I had completed a crash course in haggling (it doesn’t hurt to ask!).  Some sales were typical garage sales with folks getting rid of their excess stuff; while others were full blown estate sales, where, as the advertisement read: “Everything must go!”

At one house in particular, it was clear the owner had lived there for ages. Each room was stocked full of stuff—something for everyone. It was sad to contemplate that the owner was either deceased, or more distressing, had recently moved into institutional care.

I had an interesting thought at the time:  Traveling along the path of dementia is a lot like an estate sale. In the end, everything must go—personal memories and possessions alike.

Losses experienced on this journey come in many forms and may include the loss of shared memories, predictable responses, peace of mind and hope, personal freedom, family stability, shared love and companionship, and personal identity as important relationships shift and adapt to this disease process.  The list of losses is seemingly endless. But the list of dementia’s potential gifts can be equally long—it simply depends on how you choose to view this journey.

I challenge you to look for the gifts, to identify the treasure in the junk of your loved one’s “estate sale.”  How?

1.    Read the advertisement carefully. In other words, know that to expect. Learn as much as you can about the stages of dementia so you are prepared for the losses surely to come.  Being educated allows you to remain flexible to adjust your expectations and to expect the unexpected. This allows you to be more open to recognizing the gifts of this journey. To locate an Alzheimer’s Association Chapter near you, visit www.alz.org.
 
2.    Map out your journey. In other words, know where you are headed. My friend and I did our research – reviewing the newspapers and making a list of sales before we started out. We didn’t just hop in the car and start driving around town. And neither should you. Begin by getting the medical advice you need: A proper diagnosis, an understanding of treatment options, and a clear picture of your loved one’s prognosis. Understanding the medical issues keeps you grounded in reality – the here and now – and this is where the gifts are!

3.    Be prepared to haggle – with yourself. In other words, remember that you choose your response to every situation. The goal is to remain adaptive and flexible in your thinking, so you can be proactive and positive in your caregiving role.  It’s OK to feel sad, but beware of depression. It’s OK to feel regret, but beware of guilt.  Remember, it doesn’t hurt to ask yourself what you’re thinking.

At the end of each day, make time to inventory your spoils – the gifts and treasures you found at today’s sale. This will help you to be in the best possible place to cherish your memories and to honor your grief when the estate sale is over and everything … has gone.