Happy New Caregiving Year!

My focus with the Newsletters this year will be on helping subscribers be better caregivers by discussing the hard skills needed on your journeys through Alzheimer’s with your loved ones.  I want to begin with some tips on communication, which I believe is the foundation of your journey.

Communicating with my mother sometimes seemed impossible. As her disease progressed, it sometimes felt like she was speaking a foreign language, one that I had no hope of ever translating. Still, I am confident that even in these difficult and frustrating interactions, she and I were able to communicate what was important: companionship, love, support, and respect.  You can achieve this, too, by:

(1)    Staying in the present. How many times did I ask my mother if she remembered something, only to be met with a confused or angry “No” or worse yet, no response at all? A million times! What you need to remember is that your loved one may have a limited memory, both short term and long term.

Asking your loved one to remember something is putting them on the spot, in an uncomfortable position. As an alternative, you could say “I remember when we went fishing at the lake and how much fun that was. Do you still like to fish?” rather than “Do you remember our fishing trip to Grand Lake?”

(2)    Don’t say “don’t.” In all the classes I have had with the Alzheimer’s Association and otherwise, I hear this rule a lot. If you say “Don’t step on that ladder,” the person with dementia hears “step on the ladder.”

You can see how this could lead to injury or an argument between you and your loved one.  Learn to avoid “don’t” requests and become adept at redirecting your loved one away from the object or situation.

(3)    Communication comes in many forms! Communication is not just what you say. It’s your attitude, your facial expressions, your body language, the tone and pitch of your voice. Be aware of your entire demeanor when communicating with your loved one.

(4)    Familial patterns of communication.  How did you and your loved one communicate BEFORE the illness impaired communication pathways? What were the family dynamics between you and your loved one? What roles did you play in your family?  All of these will subtly impact your communication now. Pay close attention for the skeletons in your closet!

Communication is one of the biggest challenges you will face as a caregiver. You will learn and grow as you work your way through this maze.  I grew miles in my struggle to communicate with my mother. As time went on, and her ability to name things completely disappeared, it finally occurred to me to rely not on language but on child-like intuition to “read” her behaviors, to anticipate her needs, and to find the missing words for her. Tapping into my inner child’s wisdom was one of the ways I reconnected with myself along our journey, and still practice today.  Welcome this challenge on your journey, too, tools in hand.