September 2006
I recently had the honor of participating in an online radio program hosted by Hillary Howard with the Washington Post. The program was devoted to Alzheimer’s disease, presenting many different perspectives such as communication tips, environment restructuring, advocacy and policy. My contribution was to talk about how to plan ahead and to relate some of my experiences accompanying my mother on her journey.
During the interview, Hillary asked me what it felt like to lose my mother to Alzheimer’s. I responded that I had not lost my mother; I had found my mother. What a powerful thought and a beautiful way to remember the end of my mother’s life and her struggle with Alzheimer’s.
By embracing my mother’s dementia, our relationship grew and deepened in many ways:
I began to see my mother more clearly, not with the eyes of an angry five year old. I saw how we were alike and how we were different.
I changed my definition of “mother.” I came to see how she was just another human being, like me, trying to reach out and connect with the people around her.
I created new and healthy memories of my mother, replacing the negative childhood memories I carried with me as an adult; these memories still give me comfort and joy now that my mother is gone.
I learned by giving my full attention to her prophesies, I gained many helpful insights about myself, where I came from, and about the things she loved: dogs, classical music, and the splash of red in a Norman Rockwell painting.
I embraced her spontaneous expressions of love for me and believed these expressions were her truth; I honored and accepted them into my heart. I came to truly love my mother with every fiber of my being.
So, I guess you could say that at the age of 45 years, I found my mother, tucked away in the corners of Alzheimer's, a disease we think of as only capable of erasing our loved ones and destroying our relationships.
Alzheimer’s can be a power catalyst for change in your relationships – how can you stay open to this possibility?
(1) Embrace dementia – Alzheimer’s is a progressive, irreversible, and terminal disease. You cannot change this reality. What you can do is choose your response to this reality.
(2) Embrace dementia – Go back to your roots by understanding yourself, what you think and feel about this journey and your loved one. What do you know to be true?
(3) Embrace dementia – Trust that you know everything you need to know to make this journey with your loved one. Mine your knowledge of the disease and of yourself, look to your higher guides for strength and compassion.
My mother, and all that she was, came into focus precisely because of her Alzheimer’s. Recognizing this, I can honestly say that I am grateful for my mother’s dementia. It is perhaps the greatest gift she ever gave to me – the gift of herself. |